Depressed about my own art...

in case anyone reads this, I draw, 

I love drawing, it has been my gateway away from , well , 

the dreadful life I live, which I will not get into detail in, because alas, it is like the rest of the dreadful tales, childhood traumas, bullying, and the likes, such a common, yet disgusting thing to happen. 

returning to the main theme, drawing. 

I have been pushed by many, to do commissions, which are well pieces of artwork that you make for someone else, in exchange for money (you must draw what they want)

Now, I'm usually very optimistic (how funny) about my art at times, but today, I just do not feel it at all. 

I am mostly irritated with people, or more so, with some people's attitude's towards their own art, now I usually am very down about my own art, and I usually tend to be a bit negative when I know for sure that something looks odd in my art (we are our worst critiques), but what irritated me of this person was, 

They started asking about art prices, and when they were told the prices would be such and such, they just, went very negative..

"this piece could sell for 5 USD , or maybe 10 USD , this piece could sell for 15 USD or 20 USD depending the buyer" 

"oh-- I honestly don't think anyone would bay for my shitty art that much :') -- "
"the prices are mostly based on the time and the quality of the art you know, and also, from how much you would pay for your own art"

"oh, I wouldn't pay even 1 USD at all, its ust horrible art lol" 

then do not open commissions.

If your art is horrible, then it is not worth it at all. 

I hate when people do this, it is just disgusting. 

why? because, they are just putting their own art down, when they are CLEARLY very good at it, 

now I understand that, not everyone sees things the same way, but I honestly felt, that this person was just being stupid. 

and pessimistic about their own art, and in short, all I can say is.

Stop.

Do not sell your art, if you honestly feel that.

No one wants your crap art. 

If you see it as crap, so will the world see it as crap. 

Now putting that aside, I myself opened commissions, but well, almost no one seems interested, or even wanting to help me promote or anything.

I am actually not surprised about this, the people I know, or well have acquaintances with, well they simply do not care, and they have made it clear with their actions, some may speak and promise to promote, but others well, they just do not care. 

I wont close my commissions, since I might as well leave them up (yet at some point I will close them, if no one honestly buys anything.. ) 

I sometimes wonder if art really is for me... 

then again, I love my art, I may whine and pout, but I love my drawing style, I adore it , but sadly it is just me who adores it, and no one else.

What good is loving one's own art, when you put it out there to sell, no one even wants to consider it?

 That is how I feel today... 

but I always feel like that,

time and time again, I always wonder how I am even still breathing. 

Dislike and more dislike..??

Hello Hello, I have not updated this blog in .... a very veeery long time as I have noticed
then again, no one ever reads this, so I do not particularly seem to mind...??

Anyways, I just use this blog, to rant about things that, well, I do not like or simply cannot tell others because, it would start a sort of "argument" , and honestly I dislike arguing over things, but anyways, this time (after a long time) , I am here to just rant

rant about life in general really, about my "love" life if you will, my financial life, .. my life as a whole.

To put it simple, it has been a total shit. I shall see if I can sum up, what these past years have been for me (from 2012 to current.)

After I stopped updating this blog, I had been shut down completely by my best friend (at the time), the famous phrase "friendzoned" , and obviously, I was very stupid at that time, and I did not take he's words seriously, until he started going out with a friend he had where he lived.

I simply broke down, and felt shitty, I had somewhere to go to luckily, I went and started to draw again, I got better, I enjoyed it there, I made new friends, I loved it.

I haven;t spoken to this person until a year ago, simply putting it like that, I shut him down, due to me being "heartbroken" , but you would assume that, that would not happen again.

Wrong, oh how wrong my sayings could be, a few months later, I become very close friends with another guy, whom I start off great with, jokes and giggles. Later, we get somewhat, serious. Then leave it as "we'll be friends instead" , for almost 2 years , I had been in a relationship of sorts, with this person. To be honest, unlike the last one where it was ME who said "I love you..." first, this time it was him.

Now, when he said it, I did not feel love for him, I just ... liked him. That was it.
Yet, slowly I started to feel this love for him to, but it was for nothing.

A month later, he had started a relationship with another girl, whom he had started talking with in the same month he had confessed he loved me,
In the same month he had grown close to this girl,
In the same month that he had told me countless "I love you"s

In that same dreadful month.

And he expected, we stay friends, after such a ridiculous event. No.

I tried, I honestly did, but I simply was to angry, just why would he do that to me.

I cut him off like my last failed love.

Curious enough, a month later, he moves to live in the same country, same town, and same block as this girl.

A girl he met in a month, and whom he had a 2 month relationship with.

Yet not once did he even try or even make an attempt to visit me, not once.
Yet for her, he was willing to change college, change lifestyle, change everything.

By now, well, I simply do not care much, even though I sit here, typing away all this, I do not feel anything about it, maybe I have "moved on" , I just look back and , well, laugh.

Now I am in college, aiming for an Animation and Graphics degree.
yet, I feel as if my time in this world is running short.

I do not mind.
If I leave, then it will be for the best.

I have made peace with my depression, it simply lives with me, it has grown to be part of , well, me.

Currently I do not wish to make any connections or anything with anybody.

I simply do not want to love anyone, I have put my hat and coat away when it comes to that emotion.


I am just not cut out for this "love business", I was simply meant to be alone. Forever.

as sad as it sounds, it seems everyone around me has someone special, while I do not.



Yet, I am not sad, I just accepted this status quota.


anywho, until next time, I shall try to update this more often really.
maybe one day something in this blog will be, a happy thing.

funny really how in the beginning it was to post things from my life, and how it went.
Now look at it, slowly, post by post I changed, my form changed, I went from a happy person, to a grim and dark person ... weird.

Unknown Nostalgia and feeling odd inside?

Well, because I assume no one reads this I shall rant to my content now
and I may do some very incorrect things for the English language (I assume..)

anywho, all day today instead of playing my usual game called Eden Eternal and, such whining about my excesive game crashes, and such
I kinda felt odd, because today I've been drawing all day long, pictures of someone inside me, I guess?
if you could put it that way I'm guessing, well anyways

I never felt very alone once, but now, I kinda do...
don't know why, maybe because my usual people I speak to are not online?
Possibly.

But it is mostly because, I have never been truly alone at my home.
Everyday someone must speak, and disrupt the silence, which to be honest, I enjoy.

Sometimes I really do want every sound to be plugged out, but it is not very possible where I live, because my mom, is always whining about things, and my dad sometimes watches television, and then go to sleep.
As for my older sibling, well I do not wish to speak of him much.

I sometimes do wonder, why I feel like this, then again it is part of being human, well maybe that is just it, maybe I am finally feeling human like, or so, I think.

Anywho, time to end my rant here

Sad feeling of being hated.

Lately, no one seems to care much, then again no one ever did care.
My family, especially my brother, and my cousins, seem to bad mouth me constantly.
"Not to be mean.." sorry, but you are being mean to me, I am sorry for the harsh reality I invoke in you that causes you to cringe.
I am sorry that I cannot be like my brother who can fix computers like a pro, who can go out without having to worry about the sun burning he's skin.
I am sorry for being silent, I am sorry for always trying to shy myself out of things.
I cannot do things right, I do understand that, I may sound "smart" here, but when I speak I sound like a 10 year old.
I dislike it all, I dislike how in my family, if you are a female, you must dress up pretty, very pretty.
I hate how everyone pesters me about how I look "wear a nice skirt" "fix your hair" "loose that sweater.. so big"
I don't want to show myself off, I don't need to anyways.
I do not see the big problem from, being out of the "normal" things, I can't do "normal" things, most of the time I'm drawing.
I get teased at school sometimes due to my way of being and my voice, I try not to let my true side show, so they wont find a fuel to tease me even more.
I can't stop my family from being mean to me constantly, I can't stop them from looking at me like low class, I can't stop them from thinking I'm useless in life.
That is how life is for me, and possibly for many others, I am not making a statement, nor a thesis statement about anything.
I am just typing or writing however you want to call it, from my own mood at this time.

Thank you for reading. not that anyone ever does.

Well, I can't think of a title

Haven't updated this at all, been busy playing Eden Eternal (yeah, I know.. I play to much)
,but hey at least I do stuff, I think, I guess
school starts soon, so that's a ..somewhat good thing xD
don't like school :c
got a tablet~ so yay~ 8D
but barely draw though :c

Apperantly I cause problems..

Dang it, I made another error in life, xD
Well, me and my friend (kinda like best friend,, boyfriend.. friend that's a male..?) were playing Eden Eternal, on an important part, well kinda, we were doing non quest things, but getting exp and whatnot
and I have to go, so I get offline, because something comes up... OTL
well, apperantly I went offline at the wrong time (we weren't doing anything important, about to start the 5th round of our exp hoarding xD? ..I would say that is important...), and yeah, and I made things worse by getting online later on my cousin's laptop to apologize.. oh well
maybe we can play again tomorrow, or tuesday c:
its not like, he'll be angry for... a month or so.. or a week.. just a day, or so..
gah, not playing makes me be bored.. and I dislike that -rolls around-
just felt like posting that in this blog, might make the blog private since nobody ever reads this, or do they..?
idk lol
but I do hope he doesn't stay angry at me for a long while, just for a day,... -pout face- ..
anyways random picture~

None of the images I put up ever seem to... go with the blog feeling xD?

Rainy Days seem so interesting

It's raining here, I don't mind really it's kinda pretty, and calming for me I guess.
Anyways, nothing much, been moody (tsupid female problems..)
So, I'll be my normal self in a week or so (woot woot xD?)
Just wish my moody'ness wouldn't be triggered by a person I talk to a lot.. OTL
What can I do, somethings that they say seem to trigger my need to be moody, or sad, funny aint it?
Anyways, nothing much aside from that.