Depressed about my own art...

in case anyone reads this, I draw, 

I love drawing, it has been my gateway away from , well , 

the dreadful life I live, which I will not get into detail in, because alas, it is like the rest of the dreadful tales, childhood traumas, bullying, and the likes, such a common, yet disgusting thing to happen. 

returning to the main theme, drawing. 

I have been pushed by many, to do commissions, which are well pieces of artwork that you make for someone else, in exchange for money (you must draw what they want)

Now, I'm usually very optimistic (how funny) about my art at times, but today, I just do not feel it at all. 

I am mostly irritated with people, or more so, with some people's attitude's towards their own art, now I usually am very down about my own art, and I usually tend to be a bit negative when I know for sure that something looks odd in my art (we are our worst critiques), but what irritated me of this person was, 

They started asking about art prices, and when they were told the prices would be such and such, they just, went very negative..

"this piece could sell for 5 USD , or maybe 10 USD , this piece could sell for 15 USD or 20 USD depending the buyer" 

"oh-- I honestly don't think anyone would bay for my shitty art that much :') -- "
"the prices are mostly based on the time and the quality of the art you know, and also, from how much you would pay for your own art"

"oh, I wouldn't pay even 1 USD at all, its ust horrible art lol" 

then do not open commissions.

If your art is horrible, then it is not worth it at all. 

I hate when people do this, it is just disgusting. 

why? because, they are just putting their own art down, when they are CLEARLY very good at it, 

now I understand that, not everyone sees things the same way, but I honestly felt, that this person was just being stupid. 

and pessimistic about their own art, and in short, all I can say is.

Stop.

Do not sell your art, if you honestly feel that.

No one wants your crap art. 

If you see it as crap, so will the world see it as crap. 

Now putting that aside, I myself opened commissions, but well, almost no one seems interested, or even wanting to help me promote or anything.

I am actually not surprised about this, the people I know, or well have acquaintances with, well they simply do not care, and they have made it clear with their actions, some may speak and promise to promote, but others well, they just do not care. 

I wont close my commissions, since I might as well leave them up (yet at some point I will close them, if no one honestly buys anything.. ) 

I sometimes wonder if art really is for me... 

then again, I love my art, I may whine and pout, but I love my drawing style, I adore it , but sadly it is just me who adores it, and no one else.

What good is loving one's own art, when you put it out there to sell, no one even wants to consider it?

 That is how I feel today... 

but I always feel like that,

time and time again, I always wonder how I am even still breathing. 

Dislike and more dislike..??

Hello Hello, I have not updated this blog in .... a very veeery long time as I have noticed
then again, no one ever reads this, so I do not particularly seem to mind...??

Anyways, I just use this blog, to rant about things that, well, I do not like or simply cannot tell others because, it would start a sort of "argument" , and honestly I dislike arguing over things, but anyways, this time (after a long time) , I am here to just rant

rant about life in general really, about my "love" life if you will, my financial life, .. my life as a whole.

To put it simple, it has been a total shit. I shall see if I can sum up, what these past years have been for me (from 2012 to current.)

After I stopped updating this blog, I had been shut down completely by my best friend (at the time), the famous phrase "friendzoned" , and obviously, I was very stupid at that time, and I did not take he's words seriously, until he started going out with a friend he had where he lived.

I simply broke down, and felt shitty, I had somewhere to go to luckily, I went and started to draw again, I got better, I enjoyed it there, I made new friends, I loved it.

I haven;t spoken to this person until a year ago, simply putting it like that, I shut him down, due to me being "heartbroken" , but you would assume that, that would not happen again.

Wrong, oh how wrong my sayings could be, a few months later, I become very close friends with another guy, whom I start off great with, jokes and giggles. Later, we get somewhat, serious. Then leave it as "we'll be friends instead" , for almost 2 years , I had been in a relationship of sorts, with this person. To be honest, unlike the last one where it was ME who said "I love you..." first, this time it was him.

Now, when he said it, I did not feel love for him, I just ... liked him. That was it.
Yet, slowly I started to feel this love for him to, but it was for nothing.

A month later, he had started a relationship with another girl, whom he had started talking with in the same month he had confessed he loved me,
In the same month he had grown close to this girl,
In the same month that he had told me countless "I love you"s

In that same dreadful month.

And he expected, we stay friends, after such a ridiculous event. No.

I tried, I honestly did, but I simply was to angry, just why would he do that to me.

I cut him off like my last failed love.

Curious enough, a month later, he moves to live in the same country, same town, and same block as this girl.

A girl he met in a month, and whom he had a 2 month relationship with.

Yet not once did he even try or even make an attempt to visit me, not once.
Yet for her, he was willing to change college, change lifestyle, change everything.

By now, well, I simply do not care much, even though I sit here, typing away all this, I do not feel anything about it, maybe I have "moved on" , I just look back and , well, laugh.

Now I am in college, aiming for an Animation and Graphics degree.
yet, I feel as if my time in this world is running short.

I do not mind.
If I leave, then it will be for the best.

I have made peace with my depression, it simply lives with me, it has grown to be part of , well, me.

Currently I do not wish to make any connections or anything with anybody.

I simply do not want to love anyone, I have put my hat and coat away when it comes to that emotion.


I am just not cut out for this "love business", I was simply meant to be alone. Forever.

as sad as it sounds, it seems everyone around me has someone special, while I do not.



Yet, I am not sad, I just accepted this status quota.


anywho, until next time, I shall try to update this more often really.
maybe one day something in this blog will be, a happy thing.

funny really how in the beginning it was to post things from my life, and how it went.
Now look at it, slowly, post by post I changed, my form changed, I went from a happy person, to a grim and dark person ... weird.